Thursday, February 23, 2012

Jealousy, Words & Disappointment

Posted in Faith/Christianity

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I sit typing words. Then delete. Type again. Delete again. Nothing I write expressing what I want to say. Frustrating myself. Disappointed.

Ideas appear and I make a note. I know my thoughts will flesh out soon enough on the subjects. Yet I’m disappointed that they do not surface. They will.

This bout of sinus and allergy bringing a fog I know. Restless nights when feeling unwell doesn’t make for the best mindset or focus. Lack of energy and rest pulling me away from the exercise even though I know it helps.

Places I pass my mind’s eye seeing through camera. Anxious to see through another lens. Yet weather and obligations cause me to push aside the urging. Another disappointment.

 

I read of other bloggers, these writers who inspire me, setting off to conferences. Meeting face to face. And can I be honest and say I’m jealous? Jealous that they will have real life experiences with others who understand them. A group to which they can belong.

I know I could have gone. My husband would have encouraged me to if I had brought it up. But then the thought was overwhelming. And I wonder if it would have been the best conference for me to begin. Feeling like I’ve only recently found my niche with my writing and blogging.

I’m growing with it and I know it’s time to step out a bit. Submit for more guest posts. Attend a conference. Push myself out of this introverted comfort zone. To remember that it’s only when we change that we grow. It’s time to leap.

To know that I won’t fall if rejection is felt. That rejection doesn’t mean failure.

 

Yet I’m disappointed in myself that I’m jealous. I know He is sufficient. This truth He is trying to teach me. Some days though it’s easier to know than to feel. I do not need to feel like I’m on the outside because He is sufficient for all my needs. I stop and count the gifts He gives and know I am blessed.

That is where the crux lies. Forgetting amidst the allergies and grey days of strange winter to count the gifts. These graces that sustain.

His grace is sufficient for when jealousy appears.

So I give myself grace. I put memories in photos to the page. I put brush with paint to canvas. I plan time for photo excursions. I put words to page even if only ideas. Knowing thoughts will flow again.

And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

 

Sharing today for Joy’s Life Unmasked and Peter Pollock’s One Word at a Time.

Life: Unmasked

 

Posted in Faith/Christianity

5 comments

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floyd - February 23, 2012 - 7:57 pm

I truly appreciate your honesty. I’ve heard it said that you can’t become a great writer until you expose your soul. I think you on your way.

I get bummed out too sometimes because work, family, and commitments have kept me from ever attending a writers conference. In truth, I don’t want to fight to get someone’s attention or be rude to others in order to pull that off. I’ve heard some horror stories from Christian writers conferences.

In the end, if we are gratified and we are used by God to touch one soul, I think that can’t be all bad? I want more, I have weaknesses too, I’m just trying to see God’s perspective and I agree with you, He’s bigger than any one of our struggles.

I’d say your thoughts are already flowing… they got mine flowing too…

Joanne Norton - February 23, 2012 - 9:36 pm

This new world/life of mine, involved in blogging and FB-ing, needing to be more techie-oriented, wanting to read books [not always hang out on the I-net], but not able to get as much done as I want to. It drives me nuts some days. Other days are filled with encouragement, partly b/c I find I’m encouraging others. I’m trying to adjust. [ain't a young 'un, so it's a different way of living.] And, just as you mentioned, I feel jealous, b/c so many connect with others so much more quickly and personally. I feel I’m floating through cyberspace… SO, hope to grow and learn and be where Father wants me to be, and not compare myself with others who have more followers, more commenters, more emailers, etc. Just trust my Lord and obey His instructions and call. HE is the Ruler and the King and my Keeper.

Yolanda Villafana - February 25, 2012 - 2:05 pm

I really enjoyed your post because I have felt this way recently. I just started blogging in January. I know the Lord has given me the desire to write but what I have had to learn is to wait on His inspiration. When I try and push through on my own, I hit a writing wall, when I pray for His guidance the words flow. I am also trying to stop stressing on whether other people read my devotions. I am considering them part of my prayer and worship life. If God wants to use it to bless others than that is great. If He is working just in my life that is great too. A friend of mine who is a published author shared with me that writing is a lonely journey. Family and friends will try to encourage us, but that it is important to fellowship with other writers who get it. Thanks for sharing. Blessings.

Rachel @ Grasping for Objectivity - February 27, 2012 - 8:24 pm

I understand. I have felt that way about conferences before, too. But going to a conference is in a lot of ways more frightening than the jealousy of not going!

I still recommend it, though – being frightened is a good way to get out of one’s comfort zone.

Michelle - February 28, 2012 - 11:34 am

…”I’m growing with it and I know it’s time to step out a bit. Submit for more guest posts. Attend a conference. Push myself out of this introverted comfort zone. To remember that it’s only when we change that we grow. It’s time to leap.”

I am a fake extrovert – meaning, I will be out and about and make huge dinners for big groups of people and make people feel very much at home no matter where we are …and talk to complete strangers, but in reality, I’d just like to stay curled up on my couch with a book and a movie and not see another human being for 100 days. I agree that it is time for leaps so that we may grow the gifts that God has given us. We can do it!!! Let’s go!!!!!!!!

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