Ordinarily Extraordinary » Faith, Art, Photography.....Life

Clutter

Winter sunset.
The thoughts clutter her mind now. Brain damage frustrating a mind once sharp. Words falter somewhere deep inside the recesses unable to push forth.

She chases them in circles, never quite able to form coherently.

Trapped. Cluttered.

And this is the hard part. Not the physical aspects of her diseases as all I’ve known for 29 of my 39 years is her illness. When a physical disease robs their mind and they just aren’t the same. Talking with the same person yet somehow different. Perhaps my intuitive nature extra sensitive to it all.

My impatience showing as her thoughts get trapped in loops scrambled somewhere in her mind. At times, having to parent the parent, being firm and stern if needed. But too often I forget her cluttered mind frustrates her even more than it does me. She knows her mind was sharp in the past, and now she feels helpless.

I should learn from my usually impatient child. So patient and calm with her as the grandmother he has always known seems so different. A child who doesn’t like “going with the flow” so adept at it where she is concerned. Again a moment when parent is taught by the child.

My thoughts wander to how God sees His creation. Does He look at the disease sin has caused in this world and think of it all as clutter? It must frustrate Him, yet he loves patiently. Graciously. Slow to anger. Rich in love. Yet He waits.

The waiting. Yes, it is frustrating as well. Always waiting. On test results. On word from doctors.

So on these days when her mind is trapped and we seem to chase thoughts in circles I pray for grace. While we wait, grace. Grace for my impatience and grace to give. I pray for Him to give me His heart to see. For in the end, that’s all I know to do.

  • floyd - January 27, 2013 - 3:39 pm

    I appreciate that you’re reaching out for the grace of God to be able to extend from your flesh in a tough part of this life… My heart breaks for the brokenness of our fallen world. I think of the hope we all have to be free from the bondage of these soul cages and with our Father in perfection… The way He always intended it.

    Praying for you and your mom, Amy.ReplyCancel

  • Courtney - January 29, 2013 - 9:44 am

    This is beautiful and heartbreaking. Yes. The loss of a person’s mind, it really does feel like the most devastating loss of all–the loss of their identity, really. May you find much grace even here, in the midst of a hard season. May there be moments of clarity for your mom, moments of being able to see and remember the person she once was. And may you come to know Christ more truly and deeply as you care for your mom.ReplyCancel