Clutter

Winter sunset.
The thoughts clutter her mind now. Brain damage frustrating a mind once sharp. Words falter somewhere deep inside the recesses unable to push forth.

She chases them in circles, never quite able to form coherently.

Trapped. Cluttered.

And this is the hard part. Not the physical aspects of her diseases as all I’ve known for 29 of my 39 years is her illness. When a physical disease robs their mind and they just aren’t the same. Talking with the same person yet somehow different. Perhaps my intuitive nature extra sensitive to it all.

My impatience showing as her thoughts get trapped in loops scrambled somewhere in her mind. At times, having to parent the parent, being firm and stern if needed. But too often I forget her cluttered mind frustrates her even more than it does me. She knows her mind was sharp in the past, and now she feels helpless.

I should learn from my usually impatient child. So patient and calm with her as the grandmother he has always known seems so different. A child who doesn’t like “going with the flow” so adept at it where she is concerned. Again a moment when parent is taught by the child.

My thoughts wander to how God sees His creation. Does He look at the disease sin has caused in this world and think of it all as clutter? It must frustrate Him, yet he loves patiently. Graciously. Slow to anger. Rich in love. Yet He waits.

The waiting. Yes, it is frustrating as well. Always waiting. On test results. On word from doctors.

So on these days when her mind is trapped and we seem to chase thoughts in circles I pray for grace. While we wait, grace. Grace for my impatience and grace to give. I pray for Him to give me His heart to see. For in the end, that’s all I know to do.