Determining Your Stance
The first thing I like to do when helping someone figure out their Enneagram type is to share with them about the Stances of the Enneagram. Stances are sometimes called interpersonal coping styles, communication stances, or communication styles. This is how you interact with others to get your needs met or to get your way.
Just like so many aspects of the Enneagram these are also grouped into triads.
Stances are a key step in figuring out your dominant type and how you connect (or disconnect) from people.
Our stance is how we move and interact with those in our world. It’s our ego’s default mode for how we think we can get our needs met by others. We can all access all three styles especially when we are in a healthy place, but one is our main stance and the one we will use most often.
Stances indicate how we interact and connect with those around us. Sometimes referred to as Interpersonal Coping Styles, stances are connected to how a person felt they had to respond in childhood to get what they needed or to feel safe. There are three different stances: Assertive (sometimes called Aggressive,) Dependent (sometimes called Compliant,) and Withdrawing (sometimes called Withdrawn.)
The Assertive Stance
The Assertive or Aggressive stance is made up of Threes, Sevens, and Eights. People in this stance have an unconscious drive to reshape situations and people. They have a lot of energy and are usually upbeat avoiding difficulties. They tend to dismiss their emotions and struggle with being able to articulate their emotions when they arise. They can sometimes come across as pushy or bossy and oblivious to the feelings of others.
Those in this stance often move against others to get what they perceive they need. This movement against may not be apparent to others, but they are very active and direct in most situations. The assertive or aggressive stance plays offense in order to manipulate the world around them to protect themselves.
When in an unhealthy place spiritually they can become bold and aggressive. In stress, they may react by becoming louder or bolder. They can be impulsive and not think about the consequences or how their interactions affect others around them.
The strength in this stance though, when they are healthy, is that they can quickly dismiss personal offenses if they choose. They are less prone to being self-critical than some of the other numbers can be. They can keep a glass half-full mindset. When healthy, these types are amazing advocates and encouragers. They know what needs to be done next and are able to inspire and direct people to accomplish great things.
The Dependent Stance
Those in the Dependent stance (sometimes called Compliant or Dutiful stance) use a reference point outside themselves to determine what they should do. They look to others for validation. They think they must do what others expect of them and that they must do it well. They are focused on the present and what they can do to earn what they think they need in order to quiet their ego. They will often ask questions to seek confirmation of what needs or should be done.
The types in this stance rely more on relationships to achieve what they want. They are not as bold or assertive as the assertive stance and may struggle with independent thinking because they are often reliant on others. They are the ones who will come alongside the ideas others have. Those in this stance are constantly asking themselves how they can meet the expectations others have of them and are often thought of by others as the “responsible” person. They often worry about what other people think of them.
When in stress, they may become too sacrificial and not be an advocate for themselves. Others may take advantage of their nature to be compliant or to be too helpful.
People in this stance almost always consider and are aware of the needs of others, they exhibit care, respect, and empathy for others, and are able to come up with creative solutions for problems that are good for everyone. They have a healthy sense of responsibility for the good of their community and society.
People in this stance may seem very gracious or busy, but inside they are struggling with anxiety and insecurity. When healthy, they are able to quickly perceive and understand underlying complexities within complicated ideas or personal interactions.
Ones, Twos, and Sixes make up this stance.
The Withdrawn Stance
This stance is also sometimes call the Withdrawn Stance. They types in this stance do exactly what it sounds like. They withdraw. When they withdraw and are able to be by themselves and away from other they are able to pursue their goals and desires or to determine what they think about a situation. They can struggle with their doing center and instead of relying on others to get what they want they look inward. They place a high value on authenticity and truth.
They are insightful and curious and very self-aware. They are often witty and clever as well as knowledgeable.
Withdrawing is also a way of protecting themselves so they have time to work through their thoughts and feelings about a situation or experience. These numbers think if they withdraw, they will get their needs met. If asked their thoughts or feelings on something, they need time to withdraw and process before sharing their take on the issue. When in a unhealthy place spiritually they can become too withdrawn and become too self-reliant disengaging from relationships.
Fours, Fives, and Nines make up this stance.
